The dates have been etched in my calendar since I started on this little trip. One chemo every three weeks; always a Wednesday in my case. In chemo school (yes that is what is called, also known as chemo 101) they tell you two really important things... Watch out for infection - if you even get 1 degree of a fever call the doctor - and don't miss your treatments dates, the schedule is really important. I have taken both very seriously - a dear friend even had a hand sanitising machine set up at my front door - the kids on our block have the cleanest hands around. So one can imagine my surprise when I got a call last week informing me that my appointments had been changed.
Instead of Wednesday, my chemo had been moved to Friday. I won't get into the logistics here of childcare, husbands work schedule, mom coming from out of town etc. that I could more or less handle. What I was not prepared for was the emotional impact it had on me. I realised how tightly I was holding on to this one date in the calendar, a date that my life is planned around. Every three weeks.
One would think I was sort of getting used to the idea but every round of chemo is bringing up new thought processes and feelings. This was one I was not prepared for. I felt like the rug had been torn out from under me. Even more than when I got my diagnosis. I think it may have been because even though I have tried to take this all and go with the flow I did have a very structured framework for how I thought this was all going to go.
One chemo every three weeks - always on a Wednesday. I knew I could handle that. Yes, yes in retrospect it is only a difference of two days, but my mind started racing - what about my schedule? Did they realise they were messing with my treatment? Was the nice teacher nurse lying in class? A few calls to the doctor and I was put on the waiting list for Wednesday. I was assured that the two day change would not in fact have any effect on my progress. I did not however find out why they changed my appointment (Don thinks it may have something to do with the timing of a test I am going to have in a few weeks). I went into this past weekend still holding on to the idea that nothing had really changed, I would get in on Wednesday as planned and all would be right int the world.
Monday morning. Called in to see if I had moved up on the list. Tried to pry out of the nurse multiple times how many we're ahead of me, what my chances were. She understandably got annoyed, and pointed out quite clearly that I had an appointment for Friday. I was about to formulate the request one more time when something told me to shut up. I hung up the phone and thought about things for a few minutes. I called the nurse back and asked her to take me off the wait list - Friday would be fine.
When I was in the hospital, I had excellent care. The nurses were great and I felt well attended to by the doctors. The thing that really stood out for me was how hard the doctors worked to get me in and tested and treated. As fast as possible. It was ten days. From the first sign that something was wrong to my first chemo appointment, just ten days. I would like to think it was my winning smile that prompted them to move quickly but I know that more likely it was my age, the type of aggressive cancer I have and the fact that it had not - beyond the medical probability - spread. I also know that on the first Wednesday when I got prioritised for treatment, I bumped someone else off, if not two people as the first round took two days.
By all accounts things are going really well. If they needed my Wednesday for some other mom or dad, sister or brother, daughter or son to get a round under their belt. To give them a chance to catch it early or even to give them a chance at another few months, or even weeks then that is as good enough a reason as any to embrace my new day. Friday it is!
I am not trying to be all altruistic, nor am I saying that some other persons health is more important than mine. I am just trying to share with you the story that led me to my latest little piece of discovery. We all know that life can throw us curve balls. My discovery is that even curve balls get curve balls. I had convinced myself that I was just going with the flow, when in reality I was holding on so tightly to something I had failed to see what it really represented to me. I could not control what was going on in side my body but damn it every three weeks on a Wednesday I could control what I did to it. Reality is I can't control any of it. (to a degree - yes diet, meditation & all that other stuff I am doing helps but just go with me here for a minute). It was only by recognising that, that I was able to recognise Patient X who got bumped from their spot so I could get on my road to healing.
There was power too in taking the waiting game out of the waiting list. Embracing the change and my new day. Friday. So cheers to Friday - it IS arguably the best day of the week anyways. Get ready cancer we have a new date. - At least for now...
Thanks to Patient X, emails, spaghetti sauce, minestrone, funky mac & cheese and hearing about my friend doing the worm. Thanks to chats over coffee, walks in the sun, play dates, the generosity of people I barely know and the love of those I know well. Thanks for good wishes, prayers and getting to watch my 6 yr old sound out a really, really big word! Thanks for assistant coaches who stepped up when Coach Sara went on hiatus and managers who came in mid season and helped team Thunder shine - thanks to my soccer kids - you made your coach proud. Thanks to my 9 yr old's DI coach and team -The Magic Monkeys, I am so grateful I was well enough to see your competition and cheer you on to your first place finish - I can not wait to cheer you on at provincials. Thank you universe for this opportunity to grow and see the small important things in life. And most importantly, thank you, all of you for your LOVE. (whew that was a long one)
No comments:
Post a Comment